Not feeling like I belong anywhere
My father is a soldier.
If your father is a soldier in Türkiye, it means you move to another city every 3 or 4 years until you get separated from your family.
So was my life.
Until I started university, we had lived in 6 cities in Turkey due to assignments of my father. There are plus 3 more cities I lived in due to different reasons, so at total I had lived in 9 different cities for my whole life. Oh, I didn't count Japan and Estonia by the way.
There are both pros and cons of this situation.
Pros
- I saw different cultures, people and places.
- I have a very good palate.
- I have learned not to form bonds with materials/things. Because most of the time you lose things in the moving-out/moving-in process.
- I have acquired very strong geographic skills since my childhood as I loved looking at maps during our long night journeys while moving to another city.
- I have learned to spend time with myself and tolerate being by myself.
Cons
- I had difficulties every time I enrolled to a new school because of the different cultures, the people and the process of getting used to new life again.
- I could not form any strong friendship with anyone. Friendships are not easy to form up. It takes time. But once you feel like you get to that point, you move to another city and start a new life from zero. So I always was that kid who obviously didn't belong to the group.
- I had lost lots of things -books, toys, electronics, mugs and so on- I loved during the moving-out/moving-in process thanks to the transport companies...
- I don't feel like I belong anywhere and I think it is the feeling I most wish I didn't have. How can I? I've not spent time in a place more than 3 4 years for whole my childhood. I could not form any strong friendships. So, no connection to any place and person. As a result, I feel like I do not belong to anywhere. Which makes me feel very lost and sad sometimes.
- At this point, I simply do not know how to form a friendship. I tried lots of times but it just feels too much of a hassle and feels like it is not natural.
I'm 28 years old right now. I can say I do not feel like I belong to anywhere and I do not have any friend in a strong, real meaning. I have always envied people who have close friendships I saw around me, in the movies and the books, also the people who have grown up in a one place and formed a bond with a city.
Yet I can't know how I would feel if had a life otherwise. I might have found those life styles very boring. Who knows. After all, we are always looking for what we do not have.
I'm glad I had a computer, books and curious personality for my whole childhood. Although I felt lonely sometimes, most of the time I had been always busy with my computer, books, tinkering activities and discovering the nearest natural place.
I'm, again, glad everything turned out this way. Because I have learned to spend time with myself and have a peaceful relationship with my inner mind which I believe it is one of the most important skills in this modern era.
Right now I'm at my Estonia part of my life and I've no idea what awaits me in the future.
I'm trying to learn not to worry about worries I have no power over and to enjoy what I have at the moment.