Addicted to seeking

I’ve noticed something horrifying within myself recently. I’m addicted to seeking things. I feel like goals do not matter anymore. Because once I achieve something, I suddenly feel down and depressed. What I enjoy is seeking-the whole process until the end, but not the end itself.

Why do I find this horrifying, tho? Because I have big dreams I want to achieve. But what if they also end up like other dreams/plans of mine? No matter what I achieve or do, I never feel fulfilled. I’m extremely ambitious - there are so many things I want to achieve. Yet, I have never come across a success that truly satisfies my soul. I want to tame my greedy soul somehow and slow down.

I’m really afraid-what if my current Japan adventure ends up in the same way. I guess that would be the end of me as I’ve used all my savings to start a new life here.

For some reason, I have become obsessed with the idea of being productive all the time. It is a feeling I’ve been fighting for a long time, yet I have failed. Maybe, this obsession is the reason? Or maybe it is just that I’m very greedy. I’m 29 years old but I still don’t have a stable life. I have changed countries about five times in the last four years. I have no idea where I’m going but what I’m sure is that it does not feel good.

Well, at least I have some awareness and insight into myself. These days, I’m trying to analyze myself and dive into Stoicism as I resonate with it deeply-reading. This post is a note to myself to see myself few months later.